2 years ago today, it was getting ready to happen. I was getting ready to be wheeled back to have 1/2 my lung or my entire lung removed. Everything had moved so quickly in the prior 12 days of my lung cancer diagnosis that I believe I was still in shock. My surgery was delayed due to my surgeon having an emergency patient. Note.. do not ask how the previous patient did prior to undergoing your own surgery. I was surrounded by my family and it wasn't until they began to wheel me to the operating room that the tears started. Would these be the last kisses from my babies and husband? I knew I was going in for major surgery, but I didn't believe I had a choice. That was good for me. Choices around this would've confused me even more and made me second guess, especially when I was so uneducated about what was about to happen. I believed they would remove the portion of my lung that had cancer in it and I would do chemo. I also believed and was told the cancer would never come back in my lung because obviously the diseased portion would be removed. Surgery and 16 weeks of weekly chemo was my part. 6 months after completion of "my part" and to find out the cancer was now showing in my chest and brain was not only not the plan but not fair. Where was "My God" in all of this? Where was "His part" I absolutely felt forgotten and that at 42 I was for sure going to die. I remember how grateful we were at initial diagnosis that it hadn't spread. I remember perfectly being a stage 2 cancer patient and while not great, statistically we were headed for a cure. A year later I would become a stage 4 maintenance patient. I knew the statistics, because I knew Google. After brain surgery I prepared to die. Google said I had 3 months at the most. How could God be OK with this? How could He allow this? I heard a few weeks ago don't waste your energy/time/heart on the whys, but I couldn't help myself.... WHY? To me it was like being told years ago when I was a single Mom that I needed to put an extra $50 payment on my credit card bills because I wasn't paying enough principal. That sounds great, but I didn't have an extra $50. I barely had enough $ to buy food, just like with "the cancer has spread" I didn't have an extra "everything happens for a reason" in me. So, what did I do with that. A big fat nothing! I didn't believe God for a miracle, just like i didn't believe God was gonna slip me an extra $50 every month when I was a struggling single Mom. I just did nothing, other than..... A mustard seed. Yep, I said mustard seed. The next time you're at the store, look down the spice aisle and checkout mustard seeds. Check-out how tiny they are. The bible "His words" Matthew 17:20..,He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Really God, NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE? I still ask why and I still don't understand and I still pick up the mustard seed jar when I walk by the spices on the days I'm struggling to believe I still matter to Him. My truth today is that I will know why someday and by then it probably won't matter. My truth today is that in 14 days I will watch my daughter walk down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress and I will get to be a part of her glorious day. My truth today is that some days I have so much faith in His plan for my life that it's not containable, while other days I'm searching the spice aisle for the M's. The truth is that's all OK! Regardless if we're having a day where we are in battle to muster up even the tiniest bit of faith or the days we can skip the spice aisles all together. God is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. We can rest in that and stop beating ourselves up on the days that we just can't make sense of it all. I pray this day finds you full of faith or with a willingness to look for it. Love, Mama C
2 years ago at this moment I was being wheeled back to my hospital room after having "the lung biopsy". Today I'm headed home from Florida with my precious daughter and her 15 sweet girlfriends. We were here celebrating Jordan's. bachelorette party. 2 years ago today when the Dr. delivered the news that I had lung cancer, I remember first being in shock. I then remember looking through the glass doors of the ICU room seeing Jordan standing on the other side staring at me. I knew in that moment that my children's life would never be the same. Statistically considering the last 2 year journey, I'm incredibly grateful and blessed that I was able to share this weekend with Jordan. I'm so grateful to be alive and for all the Blessings that I get to be a part of. 2 years ago really sucked. Today is awesome!
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